Experiment # 3. I know Kung-Fu
After PLUR Fairey recovered from Experiment # 2 (Enjoy the Silence), I immediately progressed to the next experiment.
The original plan was to deprive PLUR Fairey of all sweets for 4 days and study it's behavior under said circumstances. I had hypothesized that PLUR Fairey would suffer from withdrawals through the second and third days, followed by a resurgence in health on the 4th day. Hopefully I could help PLUR Fairey become a healthy being that would be better able to withstand future experiments.
Day 1:
I enter PLUR Fairey's room and begin gathering all the edible candy I can find laying about the cell. PLUR Fairey, dancing frenetically to Alice Deejay, gains a quizzical look in it's eye, but continues dancing, regardless. Once I had gathered all the candy from the room, I asked PLUR Fairey if it had any that it could spare:
(PLUR Fairey) "Oh sure, do you want gum, a Blowpop, Pop Rocks, Jolly Ranchers, Altoids, Certs, a Candy Necklace, Starbursts, or Laffy Taffys?" it manages to ask while dancing, giving me a massage, and sucking profusely on a pacifier simultaneously.
(Crush) "Actually, I'll need all of it. You see... there are some needy kids outside who don't get candy in their Easter baskets, and they're very hungry." I say as I feel it's grip on my shoulders tighten slightly.
(PLUR Fairey) "All of it?", It says in an increasingly high pitched voice, "I can't give them all of it, I NEED my candy... but I can give them most of it."
(Crush) "Well... there are a lot of kids, and you don't want some of them to get some and some not, do you?" I rebut as it's grip continues to tighten.
(PLUR Fairey) "Well," it's voice still increasing in pitch, "you think some of them would want candy-bracelets?"
(Crush) "No...these kids are hungry." I lied, "They need to eat, not adorn themselves in plastic. C'mon... can't you give up all your candy for them? Haven't you heard of PLUR?"
(PLUR Fairey) "Don’t you talk to me about PLUR you Hypocrite!!!" It screams as it slams me to the floor.
Shocked, I regain my footing to find myself minus one keychain (to the cell door) and locked in with an enraged Candy Raver who is eating ALL it's candy faster than the Cookie Monster devours Chips Ahoy!
I spot the keychain in it's hand and realize I need to get it back, and get out of this room before I'm too late. Making one quick motion attempting to retrieve the keys and dive to the door... I try to make my way out of the room. But as I dive, PLUR Fairey skips to the side and delivers a swift kick to the side of my head.
Now finished with it's candy, I can seePLUR Fairey's veins bulging as it's heart pumps outrageous amounts of sugar throughout it's body. The sugar rush takes over...
Doing what I first thought would be a break dancer’s slide into a dancing circle, PLUR Fairey surprises me with a leg sweep and throws me to the ground. Knowing well that my ground skills are no match for such an accomplished dance-floor-sitter, I hop back to my feet only slightly fazed.
I attack PLUR Fairey with a People's Elbow as it is seemingly vulnerable while recovering from it's slide. As I make the second pass over PLUR Fairey 's body, though, I realize I have fallen for it's trap. My left foot is entangled in a mass of candy-bracelets. Down I go.
Before I even realize that I'm down, PLUR Fairey is on top of me. Moving with sugar-enraged super-human speed, PLUR Fairey grasps my face and starts blowing a Vicks inhaler in my face. Little did I know, this was an imported Vicks inhaler from
While I'm kicking frantically and rubbing my eyes, PLUR Fairey flips me over and starts what felt like a very intense massage. Little did I know, PLUR Fairey is obviously pursuing it's degree to become a Chiropractitioner. Beginning at my lower back, PLUR Fairey dislocated every single one of my vertebrae all the way up to my neck. I hope my insurance covers this.
Paralyzed, PLUR Fairey tosses me in the air like an empty Tigger backpack. Executing a High Dragon Punch that even the likes of Ken and Ryu would be impressed by, I involuntarily regurgitate my lunch onto the cell floor.
Luckily, I fall directly onto my head, which pops all of my vertebrae back into place. Seeing this, PLUR Fairey advances towards me—stepping in my slightly digested, Super-sized, 12 piece McNuggets Combo.
PLUR Fairey, totally disgusted, reaches in it's backpack pulling out baby wipes and hand sanitizer and starts cleaning it's shoe and pants muttering all along something about “moderation".
I can see the sugar rush fading, and PLUR Fairey weakening, as it begins to sweat and pant like the president at a Hooters restaurant. Hands trembling, it drops the keychain and falls back on it's butt and sprawls out on the floor breathing frantically.
Grabbing the keychain and running to the door, I trip over PLUR Fairey one last time (on accident... it's hard to get around these types, you know) and stumble my way out of the cell.
Originally planned to be 4 days... this experiment has been shortened to less than 20 minutes. Morale of the story... Don't lie about starving kids to a Candy Raver and preach PLUR... they'll kick your ass. Another experiment down, I think I may have to allow more time for myself to recover than PLUR Fairey.
- Crush
That's all for now, folks, I'll be releasing the results of further experiments throughout the week. Feel free to send comments, concerns, or SUGGESTED EXPERIMENTS to clayton.smith@gunter.af.mil.
Past Experiments:
No Candy-Candy. (No plastic jewelry, ~4 days)
Enjoy the Silence. (No music, 5 days)
I know Kung-Fu. (No sweets, 4 days... shortened to ~20 minutes)
Upcoming experiments:
Subliminal messages.
Jungle music.
Body part transplants.
Starvation.
Chinese Water Torture.
Anti-PLUR propaganda.
Radiation.
Noisecore.
History Channel, A&E.